Saturday, September 30, 2006

Bobo's World, Capitol Hill edition.

In case you had completely lost track of just how many Grand Extollers of Family Values there are on in the Republican Party:

Here's a list that will, I'm sure, grow in the coming days.

Just in time for Christmas.

Dependable Renegade, Inc. presents the Denny Hastert line of toys.

Action Wrestler Denny™, with sumo-sized cover ups and moveable redistricting!

denny the hutt

Fearsome Denny the Hutt, with bendable arms and an appetite for corruption!

jabba the hastert

Ah, the timeliness...


from "totally committed" at democratic underground.

A watertiger PSA

Music lovers unite! There's going to be a terrific two-hour New Orleans radio tribute tonight on WORT (Madison, WI), hosted by Atriot commenter "Roadmaster".

The show is a 2 hour look at New Orleans with many guests, including Jay Chevalier and an ultra-top secret special NOLA musical guest. In addition, Scout Prime of First Draft (and good friend of this blog) will be in attendance, helping to conduct an interview with the Sheik of Arabi, who heads up the Arabi Wrecking Krewe, the group that guts and repairs the homes of NOLA musicians to make sure they'll return to their fair city and keep New Orleans' sound alive.

Showtime is 8 p.m. to 10 p.m., CDT. The show will be streamed live here.

Ah, Freudian reaction formation.

Dateline: 1998.

WASHINGTON -- For more than a week, members of Congress said they would avoid partisan politics when they got Kenneth Starr's report on President Clinton. But when they finally saw it Friday, they split along party lines.

Republicans were aghast at Clinton's behavior, with many saying it showed he had lied and abused his power.

"It's vile," said Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach. "It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."

via Raw Story.

Friday, September 29, 2006

And she said she wanted to go

back to Texas to be with her family. Riiiiiight.


[h/t to reader queek]

What do the Republican Party and the

Catholic Church have in common?

They both like to keep their known pedophiles in positions of power.

This is outstanding! Denny the Hutt KNEW about this guy Foley's sexcapades for almost a YEAR before the shit hit the fan? Real smart, Denny.

You might want to have one of your pages or interns start your car in the morning.

Just sayin'.

UPDATE: Josh Marshall is reporting that Hastert himself wasn't informed of the situation lo, those many months ago, but his office was. Feel free to interpret that however you wish.

I don't know what's worse.

A Republican chickenhawk, or a chickenhawk who quotes Austin Powers:

Maf54 (Mark Foley): Do I make you a little horny ?
Teen: A little.
Maf54: Cool."

See AmericaBlog for more excerpts of Foley's IMs to underage boys.

I mean, if you want.

"Yeeeeeeeah, baby!"

Why, you arrogant, scrofulous,

criminally insane little piece of shit.

Gonzales Cautions Judges on Interfering

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is defending President Bush's anti-terrorism tactics in multiple court battles, said Friday that federal judges should not substitute their personal views for the president's judgments in wartime.

I don't know who I want to see tried for war crimes first. They all make it so hard to choose.

more here.

[h/t julius civitatus]

Oh, my.

I do love me some schadenfreude.

WASHINGTON - Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., is considering resigning from the House in the wake of questions about e-mails he wrote a former Capitol male page, congressional officials said Friday.

These officials said a decision appeared imminent.

What MSNBC fails to report is that the page was 16 years old.

And to add a satisfying twist, not only was Mark Foley one of the criminals responsible for the Florida Debacle of 2000, but he also heads up the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and is a vocal opponent of child pornography.

Of course he is.

not much more here.

UPDATE: Think Progress has more.

UPDATE II: Foley has resigned, effective immediately.

"What, Xanax doesn't

give you the munchies?"

the munchies
AP/Jerry S. Mendoza

Even torturers' wives have to keep their energy up!

If this is the Mouth of God,

then God is in some dire need of periodontal work.

Oh, and a lobotomy.

gaping maw
AP/Gerald Herbert

Some people aren't going down

without a fight. From the Center for Constitutional Rights:

"Under this legislation, our clients at Guantanamo and hundreds of others detained by the U.S. around the world may remain locked up for the rest of their lives without ever having a chance to prove their innocence. Congress will be forfeiting one of the founding principles of the democratic tradition, and one of the most basic checks on executive power. Since the nation's founding, the writ has been suspended only four times-each only briefly and in a territory that was an active combat zone. This bill would suspend it for all non-citizens inside or outside of the U.S. - even if they have not been charged with any crime. This unprecedented and expansive suspension of habeas corpus is utterly unconstitutional, and we will challenge it."

[via democratic underground.]

Again with the punctuation?

Via Atrios, I see that Bush still has trouble identifying the dead who will haunt him forever:

President Bush's speech yesterday got tons of attention for its attack on Dems, but there was another key moment that's passed unnoticed. Bush again used the phrase "just a comma" to describe the Iraq war. From the speech:

We're going to help the Iraqi people. Remember, 12 million of them voted in elections last December. That probably seems like a decade ago to you, but when the history is finally written, it will be just a comma. Twelve million people stood up in the face of assassins and car bombers and said, we want to be free.

Greg Sargent goes on to explain that, in essence, the whole "comma" thing is Fundie-speak for "God is deciding the outcome." Not very reassuring to the families of the dead and the rest of us, but so long as his Fundie base is happy...

More here.

It's hard out here for a pomp...

...ous, arrogant, bigoted asshole.

Sen. George Allen can't seem to win: first, he apologizes for addressing an Indian American with a racial slur and acknowledges that many view the Confederate flag as a hate symbol. Now, the Sons of Confederate Veterans want him to apologize, too.
. . .

"He's apologizing to others, certainly he should apologize to us as well," said B. Frank Earnest Sr., the Virginia commander of the confederate group at a news conference. "We're all aware, ourselves included, of the statements that got him into this. The infamous macaca statement. He's using our flag to wipe the muck from his shoes that he's now stepped in."

"Wait! Don't leave! I'm a racist, just like you!"

AFP/Alex Wong

Looks like George is going to be doing quite a bit of atoning on Monday.

more here.

Just in case you had any questions

about whether we're leaving Iraq.

According to Woodward, Bush was absolutely certain he was on the right course on Iraq. The writer said that when Bush invited key Republicans to the White House to discuss Iraq, the president told them, 'I will not withdraw even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me,"' referring to his wife and Scottish terrier.

So, King George's decision to leave hinges on these two, and one of them can't speak. I'll leave it up to you to decide which one.


happy happy happy
AP/Kiichiro Sato

more here.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Oh, you think he's insufferable now?

Just wait.

tin soldier
AFP/Jim Watson

I'm not feeling especially funny these days. Actually, I'm feeling pretty much like I did after November 3, 2004. So anyway, my apologies for no outright guffaws.

Somebody didn't learn his Strom Thurmond lesson.

Yesterday, Trent Lott went on the record for torture, saying this:

"Are we gonna ask 'em please, pretty please? When they let on like some of the technigues have been used are such horrible things...being threatened by a dog? Come on! Have they never delivered laundry to someone's house and had a dog come after them?"

As RMJ at Adventus put it:

Like this?

attack dogs

Somehow, I have a hard time seeing Trent Lott delivering laundry to anybody's house, so I can only assume this is euphemistic. Odds are pretty good that some black people used to deliver laundry to Trent's house, and Trent's dogs were well-trained to respond to those "darkies."

As if that weren't offensive enough, this is what Trent Lott said today after his meeting with President Bush:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush barely mentioned the war in Iraq when he met with Republican senators behind closed doors in the Capitol Thursday morning and was not asked about the course of the war, Sen. Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, said.

"No, none of that," Lott told reporters after the session when asked if the Iraq war was discussed. "You're the only ones who obsess on that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the most part."

Lott went on to say he has difficulty understanding the motivations behind the violence in Iraq.

"It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people," he said. "Why do they kill people of other religions because of religion? Why do they hate the Israeli's and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."

Which is why Trent is so fond of the KKK. Everyone looks the same in those white sheets.

Of course, the Democrats will let this one go, too.

Harry Reid, crack negotiator.

Or maybe that should be "negotiator on crack." Thanks in no small part to Harry Reid's pussified attempts at "backroom dealing," the McCain Torture Act (©Matt Stoller, My DD) has passed in the Senate 65-34, and will be celebrated with a "star-spangled signing ceremony". Once again, Charlie Brown is stunned that Lucy would pull the football away at the very last moment.

Here's what allegedly went down:

Harry Reid traded away the right to filibuster the McCain Torture Act© in return for the right to bring four stillborn amendments to the floor of the Senate. (Someone needs to explain this one, since it translates to me as "Thank you sir, may I have another?") Reid apparently thought they had enough votes to get the Specter amendment, which would strip the habeas language from the bill, through. He thought wrong.

Why are Democrats, the opposition party, giving up their right to oppose? WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Yes, I know that this bill doesn't have a rat's ass of a chance to make it past today's SCOTUS, but that wasn't what this was about in the first place. It was a blatant attempt at grabbing November 7 by the balls and squeezing really, really hard. It was Bush's attempt at retroactively pardoning all of his war crimes. And if the Democrats don't respond in kind in the next 30 days, touting themselves as the Anti-Torture, Pro-Soldier Party, we all might as well grab our ankles and wince with pain.

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"


Meanwhile, the criminality

in the Bush Administration continues apace:

An investigation by the Department of Housing and Urban Development Inspector General reportedly revealed that HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson instructed staff to award HUD contracts to President Bush’s political allies and withhold them from his political opponents. The HUD IG, however, has refused to make the full 340-page report public.

Not that an oversight committee would ever be allowed to open investigations. Reading an article by Robert Kuttner in this month's American Prospect (sub. required) last night at the gym, I watched my heart rate skyrocket:

Cheney regularly attends Senate Republican caucus meetings, sometimes accompanied by Karl Rove. Just in case Cheney and Rove needed help keeping the caucus in line, the Senate majority leader, Bill Frist, was handpicked by the White House to succeed the ousted Trent Lott.

“It’s totally unprecedented,” says Democratic Senator Pat Leahy of Vermont. “The caucus is where you candidly discuss when to back the administration and when to adopt a different position.” This executive-branch capture of the senatorial Republican Party helps explain how the Bush administration, despite plummeting public support and scandal after scandal, avoids one of the most fundamental of checks and balances -- congressional oversight.

In essence, the article describes in infuriating detail how the Bush administration has "sandbagged" the oversight process, which explains why the Democrats are relegated to holding hearings in the basement of the Capitol.

These people know no shame and have no boundaries they aren't willing to cross. The sooner we are rid of them, the sooner we can return the balance of power to its normal equilibrium.

"So tall . . .

so bald . . . 'cuff me, big boy!"

So...tall...and bald...
AP/Gerald Herbert

Same name,

different asshole.

King George

United States of America, 1776-2006

Congratulations, Senators.

You've just re-established the monarchy.

I hope you're proud.

UPDATE: And for what? So that Bush can avoid trial at The Hague.

Watch Jack Cafferty.

[via Firedoglake.]

A watertiger roar of thanks

to reader Thinly Veiled for sending me such a timely gift:

I weep.

Say goodbye to the United States you grew up knowing.

Unless the Democrats filibuster this bill (and we all know how strong the Dems' collective spine is), the pro-torture, anti- habeas corpus bill that the Three Amigos took up the ass from the Bush administration will pass in the Senate today.

How did it come to this?

Even if the law is eventually struck down by the Supreme Court, the fact that we, as a nation, have had this debate about the degree to which torture is okay and striking down a right that has been acknowledged and accepted since 1215 has destroyed whatever moral authority we had left.

I am ashamed.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Certain optical illusions are best

left unnoticed.

From the good folks at Bring it On!:

Jesus in a Dog's Butt.

Just go.

[h/t reader zhak]

"I call it 'The Aristocrats'!"


"Boy, Jon Stewart thought it was funny."

The Aristocrats
AP/The White House, Eric Draper


Head rush."

AP/Gerald Herbert

Oh, deer.

Looks like George Allen's past is rapidly catching up with him.

"Some time drinking a beer at U Heights," Beam says, referring to the campus housing complex where Beam, Lanahan, and Allen all lived, "Lanahan told me they went hunting and killed a deer. All I know is they cut off a deer head and stuck it in someone's mailbox...He didn't say it was racial -- just said they stuck it in a mailbox as a prank."

More here.

How's that Fox hit job on Clinton

working out for you guys over on the Right?


[image courtesy Raw Story.]

The New York Post is like a

wingnut blog -- it doesn't allow comments unless you're willing to post the following information:

First name
Last name
Email address
Household Income
Readership of the New York Post
Home address
Phone number

The better to harrass you with, I guess.

Using their online form, I tried to write a letter to them regarding their flippant coverage of the death threat in the form of a white powder-filled envelope that Keith Olbermann allegedly received in the mail yesterday. The story was relegated to a snarky column in Page Six. I was denied, unless I provided the information above.

BTW, if that had been O'Reilly or Hannity or Coulter on the receiving end of a death threat, do you think they'd be so "hah hah!" about the coverage?

Call your Senator and ask

whether they're willing to turn this country into a rogue nation that condones torture.

Via Jesus' General, there's even a toll-free number you can use:


They will patch you through to your Senator's office.


There's a bobblehead named CINNAMON STOUFFER?!?!

I hear she's got those little triangle-shaped packets of frosting you can spread on her.


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Oh, this is too good.

The George Allen Insult Generator.

Fun for the whole family!

"Welcome to PillowsAir,

where you don't even have to leave the terminal to join the Mile High Club!"


Oh, Katie. Too bad you sent the inflatable version of yourself to the press conference. Can you inject any more botox into that forehead?

It was at this point during the presser

that the famously clumsy President Bush swallowed his own tongue.

AFP/Jim Watson

He was trying to pronounce "totalitarianism."

Help a fella out.

NTodd needs 4562 hits visits before 10/6/06.

He's got new kittens, too. Plenty of pix of new kittens, in addition to intelligent commentary and beeee-yoootiful photographs.

"I'll turn the AC down, if

yer so cold that ya need that blanket."

I'll turn the ac down.
REUTERS/Jason Reed

It's a first step, George.

Upon an inquiry of the office of Senator George Allen (R-VA) from a woman scheduled to testify before the Senate Small Business and Entrepreneurship Committee, Allen's office rescheduled a hearing until the day after Yom Kippur, the holiday upon which the original hearing was set.

Now about those ham sandwiches...

However, the best line is buried in this article:

ROLL CALL also reports a new nickname was overheard at a party recently. "Sen. Macacawitz."

More nareshkeit here.

"Dude! I bet you're gonna get

to see Karen Hughes naked!"


Laura Bush: "To tell you more about cultural diplomacy and the Global Cultural Initiative, I'd like to introduce someone who's both an arts enthusiast and a terrific representative of our country: Ladies and gentlemen, Ambassador Karen Hughes."

quote from Mrs. Bush's Global Cultural Initiative Launch.

"I didn't kiss him; he kissed me."

I care.
AP/Fred Beckham

Earlier in the day, Bush met privately with Republican donors at an estate in Greenwich, Conn., raising almost $800,000 for GOP House members facing tough re-election fights.

About 65 people attended the Connecticut event at the mansion on Long Island Sound. The money was raised to help Republican candidates, but mostly to help GOP Reps. Christopher Shays, Nancy Johnson and Rob Simmons. The three are top targets for Democrats trying to gain the 15 seats needed to take control of the House.

Incumbent Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman is running as an independent after losing the Democratic primary to anti-war candidate Ned Lamont. The Republican in the race, former Derby mayor Alan Schlesinger, has been drawing less than 5 percent in the polls and was not invited to Monday's fundraiser.

full story here.

Your sometimes daily dose

of interspecies blogging:

AP/The Bloomsburg Press Enterprise, Bill Hughes

[caption reads: A white-tailed deer fawn looks up while grazing near a horse in a pasture near Bloomsburg, Pa. Janine Engelman, of Engelwood Paint Horses, said the fawn turned up in the field about two weeks ago. Engelman thinks the mother may have been killed along nearby Interstate 80. "The horses are definitely taking care of her," Engelman said.]

Tony Snow, doing the job

no one else wants: campaigning for Jean Schmidt?

Snow already has been speaking at some events with Republican activists, such as an appearance before about 800 with the Pennsylvania Republican Party on Sept. 15. But his first big candidate fundraisers come next week, when he headlines fundraisers for Reps. Jean Schmidt in his hometown of Cincinnati and Geoff Davis of a neighboring district in northern Kentucky. Expectations are high, with Republicans hoping for as much as $100,000-$150,000 per appearance.

"Come on, Tony. I want you real bad!"


more here.

Oh, Arlen, you kidder!

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A leading Republican senator on Monday said he will fight to give detainees the right to challenge their imprisonment, creating a new potential obstacle for legislation President George W. Bush wants in order to try terrorism suspects.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter said he would join Democrats working to amend a bill setting up trial procedures for foreign terrorism suspects that Republican leaders are trying to push through Congress this week.

Everyone knows you're just joking, Arlen. When have you ever followed through with any of these blustering postures? You'll make a lot of noise and then, just like your friends Huckleberry Graham, Chipmunk McCain, and Mr. Elizabeth Taylor, you'll cave.

Come on, Arlen. Prove me wrong.

more here.

Oh, it is to laugh.

Trent "Front Porch" Lott, accusing the Democrats of "abusing the system"?

Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) is threatening to punish Democrats for using an Appropriations Committee room for an unofficial hearing on Iraq oversight if it happens again.

“They better stop this,” the Mississippi Republican said. “This will be the last one or there will be retribution.”

Lott suggested that Republicans could hold GOP-only hearings or seek other forms of payback.

Pssst, Trent. What do you think the Republican-controlled Congress is doing right now if not abusing the system? The Republicans have been blocking legitimate requests for hearings on Iraq and its governance since it became abundantly clear that the war was a colossal clusterfuck and was going to come back to haunt the Republican party.

Remember the words of your overlord, Darth Cheney: "It's our due." Yeah, well guess what? THIS is your due:

But the mostly Democratic panel was not without Republican representation. Jones awoke at 5:45 a.m. in North Carolina, got in his car at 6:30 a.m. and made a nearly five-hour drive to the Capitol to participate in the hearing. Jones, who represents Camp Lejeune, voted to authorize the Iraq war but has criticized its execution.

“To me this is not politics, this is policy issues,” he said. “The party that demands the truth is the party that the public respects.”

In his opening statement, Jones quoted Rudyard Kipling: “If any question why we died, tell them, because our fathers lied.”

more here.

Monday, September 25, 2006

KO does it again.

Just go watch.

You won't regret it.

Life in the White House Press Corps.

n April, the nation’s spy agencies produced a National Intelligence Estimate. Here’s the New York Times report:

A stark assessment of terrorism trends by American intelligence agencies has found that the American invasion and occupation of Iraq has helped spawn a new generation of Islamic radicalism and that the overall terrorist threat has grown since the Sept. 11 attacks…The report “says that the Iraq war has made the overall terrorism problem worse,” said one American intelligence official.

Here’s what the White House said about the report in today’s press gaggle:

QUESTION: Tony, does the President have any reaction to the reports in yesterday’s newspapers about the intelligence estimate, suggesting that the war in Iraq had, in fact, spawned new terror cells and made…

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY TONY SNOW: I think it’s important — one thing that the reports do not say is that war in Iraq has made terrorism worse.

more Tony Snow here.

Well, George, since Yom Kippur

is right around the corner, you can just add this to your list of sins to atone for.

RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) -- Sen. George Allen on Monday denounced as "ludicrously false" claims from a former college football teammate that he frequently used a racial slur to refer to African-Americans.

Dr. Ken Shelton, now a radiologist in Hendersonville, North Carolina, also alleges that Allen, a former University of Virginia quarterback, once stuffed the severed head of a deer into a black household's oversized mail box.

Well, at least it wasn't a pork product, right George?

More here.

Thanks to my little system glitch yesterday,

I couldn't address this. Now I can.

Bush was on CNN with The Beard yesterday, and issued, quite possibly, the most ridiculous, insensitive statement yet:

BLITZER: Let's move on and talk a little bit about Iraq. Because this is a huge, huge issue, as you know, for the American public, a lot of concern that perhaps they are on the verge of a civil war, if not already a civil war…. We see these horrible bodies showing up, tortured, mutilation. The Shia and the Sunni, the Iranians apparently having a negative role. Of course, al Qaeda in Iraq is still operating.

BUSH: Yes, you see — you see it on TV, and that's the power of an enemy that is willing to kill innocent people. But there's also an unbelievable will and resiliency by the Iraqi people…. Admittedly, it seems like a decade ago. I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is — my point is, there's a strong will for democracy. (emphasis added)

So in other words, Iraq is a blip on the screen? Really? How many more lives are going to be lost to make it a semi-colon to this douchebag? How much deeper into financial and moral bankruptcy does this country have to plunge? Does this feeble-minded fuckwit have any idea the hell he has unleashed upon the planet? Does he read the latest NIEs saying that he has created a more dangerous world?

I guess not.

More here.

Let's hear it for

those Bushian double standards!

Venezuelan President calls Bush "the Devil" = Baaaaaaaaaaaad.

Falwell likens Hillary Clinton to Lucifer = Gooooooood.

n a phone interview with the Associated Press, Falwell played down his inflammatory comment. Fallwell said, "The statement about, 'she would be a better candidate than Lucifer' was totally tongue-in-cheek and totally meant as a joke and everybody knew in the building and laughed accordingly."

I'm so not in the mood for this shit.

"Disco . . . Disco


disco bush 1

[original photo: AP/Gerald Herbert]

And then Blogger went

tits up.

Jesus Christ! What, has Mercury gone retrograde or something?

Say hello to Meg,

one of my brother's family cats. Meg has a hard time relaxing.


Meg's camera-shy sister, Big Billie, would assert that Meg's nothin' more than a ho.


Fuck you, Time Warner Cable.

System went tits up yesterday afternoon. It seems to be back . . . for now.

Sorry for the quietude.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sunday snark, torture edition,

now available at Firedoglake.

"I like long walks in the rain

and gnawing on lesser creatures..."

AFP/Prakash Singh

Saturday, September 23, 2006

"It's . . . it's . . . like

a little black, bald head!"


Um...teh gay much, Mr. Preznit?

Golf makes so much

more sense to me now.


A watertiger roar of thanks

to reader Zoe for sending me this:

THANK YOU!!!! Would it be too weird if I slept with it on my pillow?

The news of my death

has been greatly exaggerated.

harry bin laden

[idea courtesy Eschaton reader Agent Orange]

This ought to come in handy

when dealing with police matters.

that'll come in handy
AFP/Narinder Nanu

Caption reads: Members of the Indian Army motorcycle display team perfom a routine on a motorcycle as they show off their skills during a "Dare Devils" display at The Panther Stadium in Amritsar.

The French exact their revenge.

Paris- Saudi intelligence services have determined that terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden died of typhoid in August, the French regional daily L'Est Republicain reported on its website on Saturday. The newspaper said it based its information on a document classified "defence secret" originating in the French DGSE intelligence services. According to the story, the DGSE informed President Jacques Chirac of the Saudi report on Thursday.

"Hey, no fair! That was supposed to be MY surprise!"

Uh oh.
AFP/Tim Watson

more here.

And a question of the report's veracity here.

Friday, September 22, 2006

What's more disturbing

than the color?

They're breakaway track pants.

bon pantalons
REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Think about that for a moment, won't you?

[photo via P O'Neill]

Mean Jean proves, once again,

that she's not just another ugly face.

Jean Schmidt added another blatant deception to her long list of publicly-exposed lies this week when she published an op-ed about Medicare Part D in the Community Press and Recorder that is almost identical to a press release issued by Congresswoman Deborah Pryce (R-Columbus) on July 10 of this year. She also published the op-ed on August 30 in the Piketon News Watchman and in the Adams County People's Defender.


more Schmidttiness here.

"Can't you just give me a little hint?

Does McKay sleep in the nude?"

just a hint?
REUTERS/Joshua Roberts

George Allen reacts to hearing

that he's beaten out Joe Lieberman for the lead in "My Favorite Moishe."

AP/Charles Dharapak

I'm sorry, I can't help myself. This is like crack for Jews.

So the NFL is issuing numbers

to cheerleaders now? Go know.

REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

I haven't forgotten you, George.

I had this blanket made special order.

George Allen's new flag

[idea courtesy DR reader fred. Blame him! I am but the messenger...]

UPDATE: History buffs Snow and Attaturk remind me and you, George, that your newfound heritage is not without precedent!


Thursday, September 21, 2006

"George Allen is WHAT?"

AP/CP, Adrian Wyld

"As God is my witness,

Bar told me she was infertile!"

As God is my witness
AP/Elise Amendola

Again and again and again...

A watertiger roar of thanks

to the Paragon of Paronomasia, Eli. I came home to find this book

and this video

in the mail.

Muchos gracias, muchacho!!!

A personal note to George Allen

I understand from one of my readers that your father has passed away, George, and thus won't be able to attend your bar mitzvah. I'm really sorry about that.

But now you'll be able to say the Kaddish, the Hebrew Prayer for the Dead, at Yom Kippur services this year! Whew, talk about baptism by fire!

Don't worry; since you probably won't have learned to read Hebrew in two weeks' time, your temple will have copies of the prayer spelled out phonetically.

You have joined a temple, haven't you?

Ah, Bernie, you bullet-headed lug, you.

WASHINGTON - Disgraced ex-Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik went to Iraq in 2003 to restore law and order, but instead signed autographs and gave press conferences as a celebrity 9/11 hero, former colleagues charge.

After arriving in Baghdad's protected Green Zone in May 2003, Kerik was supposed to take over the occupation's Interior Ministry and train hundreds of cops to stabilize the country.

. . .

Just 105 days after he arrived, Kerik abruptly left Baghdad on a CIA flight, sources told the Daily News. He landed in Amman, Jordan, before jetting to Europe - where he went to "decompress," Kerik later said.

Couldn't find an adequate love nest for your Iraqi concubine?

more lunacy here.

A Primer for George Allen

Mazel Tov! Welcome to the Tribe, George!

Now that you've decided to embrace your other heritage, you're probably wondering, "Well, what does being Jewish really mean? And will it conflict with my race-baiting, confederate flag-waving, noose-swinging ways?" As a New York Jew (albeit, a secular one who's really more of an atheist than anything else), I'm here to help you navigate your way through your own personal Awakening.

It's really quite fortunate for you that you've discovered your Judaic roots this close to Rosh Hashanah, or as we like to call it, "Rusha Homa." It's the Jewish New Year, George, and you get to party like it's 1862! Now while I'd advise against burning any crosses this weekend, what you can do is celebrate with your family by ringing in the New Year with apples, honey, challah and wine. Oh, and tell your wife to 86 the shrimp platter. I know, I know, but it says so in that wacky book of Leviticus!

Do you have a mezuzah up on your doorway yet? No? Here, I picked one out for you. It kind of has that whole "Western" woody vibe. I think you'll like it.


There's a little scroll inside with some verses of Deuteronomy. Now remember, you touch it every time you enter or exit your home. It's basically like saying, "Hey, God, thanks for the Rams' winning season." And yes, it does identify the house as belonging to a Jew, but worrying about a pogrom in your neighborhood is so . . . 20th century.

Oh, and since you're probably going to start studying for your bar mitzvah (no, it's never too late, George), you might need to acquaint yourself with the Torah. Yes, I know, sounds like "Tora Bora". We get that a lot. You think that the Arabic alphabet is funny looking? Just wait until you get to tackle Hebrew!


The Torah, George, is a sacred scroll that contains the Jewish Scriptures. And while you might be tempted to taunt your sister by poking her with the handles, that's really not a good idea. Besides, you're only allowed to touch it during the ceremony. Otherwise, the rabbi might get peeved.

Here's the really cool part. During your bar mitzvah, you get to wear a prayer shawl, or "tallit," while you read your chosen passages to the audience. It's got tassels and everything.


Your dad is supposed to give it to you, but now that he's considered a shaygitz, you'll probably be receiving it from the rabbi.

What's a shaygitz? Oh, you'll be learning a whole new language, George! A "shaygitz" is a Gentile man like your dad. Y'know, I think that for your bar mitzvah, I'm going to personally send you a copy of Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish." Do you know what a "schvartze" is? I'll let you find that one out on your own.


And don't forget your yarmulke, George. For really fancy occasions, you can have your wife needlepoint you one. Hey, I bet she could stitch a yarmulke with the Confederate flag on it. THAT would be perfect for you!

See, even Bill Clinton likes wearing a yarmulke. And he's more Southern than you are!


Well, that should tide you over until Yom Kippur, when you get to atone for all of your sins in one day! We Jews (well, at least the religious ones) don't believe in dragging it out over the year, schlepping to Church every Sunday and reading off a litany of our sins. Nope, we're all about the economy of atonement. Of course, you're not allowed to eat for 24 hours while you atone, but afterward? Oh, the whitefish you will know! And don't get me started on matzoh. My god, it's like eating cabbage, what it does to your GI tract.

Anyway, next week we'll discuss money-lending practices and usury, which, as a Senator, you're probably already very familiar with. Methinks your wife will appreciate your newfound proximity to diamond dealers, if you follow my drift.

And remind your shiksa wife to light the Sabbath candles tomorrow at sundown. And to lose the honeyed ham she was planning for Sunday.